On Wednesday we would be welcoming a 17 year old Danish student and a 17 year old Spanish student for three weeks. I wasn't exactly sure what energy stores we would be tapping into to do this. As well as finding the energy to remember not to wander around in my wife's dressing gown or ask GCSE oral exam questions at meals.
"Do you have any brothers and sisters?"
"What do you enjoy doing in your spare time?"
"Can you please tell me the way to the train station."
"Does Denmark hate us for the whole Brexit hornets nest and does Spain still hold a grudge about the Armada?"
We would also need to dig extra deep to clean the house, do a shop that catered for us and appealed to Danish and Spanish teenagers. We would also need to transform the spare room from Daddy's 6 month sleep bunker to The Saltdean Backpackers.
Monday's pre work chores for Dad included tripling the number of mirrors in the spare bedroom and putting in one more bulb so they could do their make up properly, apparently!
On Tuesday night England beat Colombia in the World Cup to progress to the quarter finals. I watched it while I was waiting for Rocky 2 to download. I also did my best to explain to my six week old son Jack, who was a milky burp away from sleep the reasons why these men kept falling over imaginary feet to roll around as if they had been shot by a sniper.
"Don't be fooled life's pretty tough for these guys Jack. The money in football isn't what it used to be. An international player these day will only get paid the equivalent of 40 maybe 50 dialysis machines a month! A few years ago they would have easily got that amount plus a two form entry primary school's annual heating budget! Yeah the salaries for rolling around and placing your feet in imaginary bear traps really isn't what it used to be!"
Jack seemed to be laughing at me but it could have been wind.
Sarky comments aside it was good to see an England team that really played like one.It was also great to see Gareth Southgate putting some demons to rest. I joined in on a twitter feed affectionately saying Gareth Southgate we think you're a legend and have served your time as an obvious question for a Pub quiz sport rounds.
It was entitled....
#Garethsouthgatewould ....
It was entitled....
#Garethsouthgatewould ....
#Garethsouthgatewould never get grumpy about the seagulls ripping open his bin bags every week to advertise to the street his obvious addictions to cheese Mcoys. He would instead get up before dawn on bin day to set up a smorgasboard of tasty seagull treats that were not only low in fat but at least 3 of their five a day.
#Garethsouthgatewould never abuse Brighton council parking restrictions. If he realised he had parked a few minutes over the warden leaving for the day he would work out the balance and put it in an envelope along with a card and deliver it with a "taste the difference" bottle of Malbec to the council offices.
On Saturday I was working on Brighton Seafront during the England v Sweden World Cup quarter final. England won the game 2-0 which meant as well as helping the lifeguards keep an eye on children left to the perils of the shoreline by chargrilled parents we got to listen to a drunken loop of "It's coming home, it's coming home Football's coming home!""Yes there is a 25% chance that following a very long time of hoping Football may actually come home, it does. If it does could you possibly ask it not to do the following.
1) Wee against our lifeguard containers.
2) Stand in the shoreline with your pants and trousers round your ankles like a toddler and wee in the sea.
3) Throw stones at each other
4) Throw stones at the seagulls
5) Throw stones.
6) Ask if my job is like being in Baywatch
7) Ask if you can wee in my quad helmet.
8) Ask if you can use our printer to print out your ticket as a souvenir
9) Ask for a go on our rescue board
10) Ask if you can use one of our rescue tubes as a beach cushion
11) Ask if we can text your mates
12) Ask us if there are any sharks in the sea
13) Ask for a go on our quad bike
14) Be an instigator in a 50 man brawl.
15) Ask anyone to come and have a go if you think you're hard enough. Judging from your now see through pants that you went swimming in, you're not.
16) Stealing a knife designed to fillet a large fish from a seafood restaurant and have to be wrestled to the ground by your fractionally less drunk mates before you do something even more stupid that fighting in your pants on the seafront.
127 Come back to Brighton Beach if you can't behave like a big boy."
In depressingly predictable style just as we were due to lock up and escape the thousand or so drunk, half naked, lobsters chanting about a team they weren't in, returning home, a 60 man brawl erupted right outside the Seafront office.
This meant having to hold up in the office for 20 minutes while I waited for the Police to arrive and radio the remaining seafront officers and lifeguards to please stay where they were. Ringing 999 to hear that I was in a queue was a concerning first. I hope it was the result of several people also witnessing this.
Being held in a queue to cancel your washing machine insurance is annoying but tolerable. Being on hold to the emergency services because you think someone is being kicked to death I don't think is okay? I am sure we can spend less on non emergency items. Not spending the funds required to deal with the growing number of numb nuts who want to smash stuff up and hurt people seems a bit dangerous.
The man who was punched, kicked and stamped on while curled up on the floor and the other who was knocked clean out from a punch to the back of the head were dragged away, still breathing but barely conscious I imagine by friends not wanting to spend the night in John Street Police station.
On a lighter note I felt I inched closer to World domination this week through the channel of very silly songs. On Monday and Tuesday I wrote and I want to say produced, but that does sounds like a very extravagant way to describe balancing my wife's iPhone on a bottle of sun cream by the sink, balancing my phone on the kettle as it plays a garage band loop, wash up and read some lyrics I had stuck to the splash back.
Anyway for anyone who is interested here it is.
Anyway for anyone who is interested here it is.
MC Wrapper Track 1
On Thursday having done as many unprompted chores possible in an attempt to take the edge of sliding out of the house after bath time and just before the emotional bedtime story bartering I went off to advanced comedy class number 4 of 5.
I am loving the course and it's breathed a whole new energy of disillusionment into me that I might actually have what it takes to make people smile. Not only smile but that I could evolve onto making people laugh and maybe even one day reach the holy grail of making someone do a primal laugh/ snort.
On the beginners course there were ten of us, none who had ever done a gig most who had been bought the course by desperate partners in my case thinking I can't give him coffee, socks and a Lynx gift pack for Christmas three years in a row, can I?
All of the 8 people of this "advanced course" had been gigging comics for a year to several years. Every week the two hour class was spilt into 1 hour writing and feedback and an hour of performance. It was humbling but also a really good way of showing that the jokes about Postman Pat may be best in your mind.
The fear of having to do a stand up gig on the second week helped me to create MC Wrapper. MC for middle class.
A wrapper whose angsts amongst others, include Waitrose running out of Hallouomi and Lewes district council refusing to take the polystyrene he put in the recycling bin.
As per usual I learn't from daughter that if you're ,meant to do something it should seem effortless. Click below to see her homemade joke of the week.
Homemade comedy
Galleria Proxima Generacion
"Se ve como un caballo!"
21.0cm X 29.7cm
Water colour paints and cheerio infused milk on the back of amended contents and car insurance document from NFU Mutual .
If you've enjoyed this blog, you might also like this. It might help to pass the time if you find yourself in a lengthy queue, stuck on a train, stuck in a lift, or like me, stuck in an anxious moment.
http://capitalsfromasouthcoast.blogspot.co.uk
To watch some utube Tips about ....
My Dadmission to raise the World's collective morale through the power of Planking please check out or even better subscribe to my Utube channel.
James Macdonald's Dadmissions
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XBq5onzZtj0
Or just come and say hello or Twitter or Facebook
https://twitter.com/DadMissions2018
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