I had a late start on Monday so got to watch the only sporting event of the week that could possibly overshadow England's World Cup semi final with Croatia, my Daughter's first ever sports day.
We arrived at the school gates 2 minutes before it was due to start and found there was a Primary school lock down which was freaking out a handful of Mum's, including my wife.
My wife who had approximately 17 minutes sleep the night before was in need of a strong coffee a lie down in a dark room with wine and an Enya soundtrack.
"It definitely said an 9.30am start? I showed you the text didn't I? Look!"
(holds her phone up to show anyone within at least a mile radius the text message)
It's 9.28am! That's two whole minutes before the advertised start time! Do they have any idea the effort it took us to be in the rarest of situations for a parent, actually being early for something?! Why have they locked the gates we can't get in. We can't get in! We can't get in!!!!!
Look! I saw a child throwing a bean bag and another one over there fall over a plastic hurdle! It's started! It's bloody started and we're missing it!!!! Grace will be looking for us, she'll be so hurt and won't be able to jump nearly as well in her sack race. The day's ruined! She'll remember this betrayal for the rest of her life. It's about creating strong positive core memories of childhood and we've ruined this one for her. Whoever locked this gate has basically robbed our daughter of her childhood! Why did they say it was a 9.30am start and then start it before 9.30am what's the feffing point? You set your alarm early, you don't worry about shaving your legs, you forfeit breakfast, you leave the house early, you find somewhere close to park, you arrives on time and then they trick you with a early start!!!! I bet they've planned this on purpose and all because I didn't put myself forward to help with the reception's harvest festival disco!!!
(The deputy head teacher then jogs over from the school side of the gate clutching a bean bag in one hand and a handful of keys in the other)
"Sorry,sorry,really sorry ladies! I needed the loo so had to close the gates."
"Don't worry I need the loo all the time."
(Anna waits until she is out of earshot)
"Arghh she needed the loo bless her, you men don't have any idea how difficult it is to be a woman needing the loo!"
Galleria Proxima Generacion
I can only imagine this painting is a 5 year old's understanding of the act of childbirth.
My wife, bottom left, looks more like she's holding our son prisoner that giving birth to him. The primary midwife, top right ,is inexplicably sat on a blue heart which I can only assume represents the bond between all mothers? Either that or that Grace thinks she probably spent the whole time sat on the only blue bean bag in the room asking me if I know of anywhere in Hove that does a reliable MOT.
The trainee midwife, top left, is trying to wrestle her gloves on before our son follows the water out. I am clearly represented, next to the green heart, to be half my wife's size. This can only mean that our daughter views me as the corporal to my general wife! I think I need to start being more assertive with that remote control and refusing to entertain the idea of getting the outside walls repointed.
21.4cm x 29.3cm
Felt pens and rain water on the white A4 back of the Utility Warehouse bill for June 2018
William's first hour in Jellyfish class
William would be starting reception in September.On Wednesday Anna took him to spend an hour in Jellyfish class. I tried to support him emotionally beforehand.
"Have a lovely time and listen to the teacher!"
"Yes Daddy!"
"I love you."
"......I know."
Middle Class wrapper Track 3.
Someone I used to work with shouted hello as I was padlocking the West gates on Tuesday. I am banking this as support and a clear sign that I should keep writing, producing and posting daft songs about the frustrations of parenting.
Track 3:Stinky chocolate Duck
Here's above is a song that I wrote following a request from a friend to write a song about the trials of bath time. It was produced and posted to the utube channel as well as to a room full of comics on a 5 week advanced stand up comedy course.
Galleria Proxima Generacion
medusas en un sombrero al revés
21.0cm X 29.7cm
Felt pens and rain water on a Brighton and Hove football Club notepad .
If you've enjoyed this blog, you might also like this lot below. It might help to pass the time if you find yourself in a lengthy queue, stuck on a train, stuck in a lift, or stuck in an anxious moment.
To watch short Vlogs about parenting and how to do squats in the kitchen click the link below
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XBq5onzZtj0
To watch some silly songs about life and the trials of parenting from a MC (Middle Class) Wrapper click this link below
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCw9kvycTNN_S2TTfAoIWTkg
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCw9kvycTNN_S2TTfAoIWTkg
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