Sofa surfing

In a, I would like to think, very gallant way I resigned myself to a week of the following.

1) Sleeping on the sofa.
2) Sleeping on the sofa without the cushions.
3) Sleeping from 11 till 3am with the cushions off. Putting them back on because there's a spring mark on my forehead. I didn't want to give the Lifeguards more ammunition. That said, in that they get to see me hobble to the sea in a skin tight tri suit most days they've got plenty to be getting on with.

Like the literary triumph "a squash and a squeeze" sleeping on cushions on the conservatory floor gave me a great perspective. It's a children's story about an old woman who complains about living in a small house. She gets told to bring in all her animals. She hen removes them one by one to the realisation that her house is actually plenty big enough. My sleeping on cushions in the conservatory, even though I had wedged them in with a number of the heavier toys, kept sliding away from me. I suddenly had a new appreciation for the sturdiness of the sofa or even maybe one day an actual bed.It was too hot in the living room and the light from the downstairs toilet mean't I was woken up every time one of the 6 other people in the house from three different countries, got up to go to the loo,prepare bottles, hunt for a dinosaur.

It was a week of 1st's

1) Jack had his first bath and unlike his brother and sister who howled and screamed when we put them in the bath, he howled and screamed when we took him out.

2) William got to visit his new school and said goodbye to nursery, something my wife tried to explain to him. I think this was completely lost on him. As you can see from the image below we need to thank two people.Well one person and one plastic terradactly who have managed to shepherd him safely through his first day, his first nativity play his first solo stand up wee and his first graduation from one level of schooling to another. Anna texted me to say she felt emotional. In all honesty I'm just glad he didn't try and crawl off the stage or came home with a pooh bag containing some wet pants.

3) Grace said goodbye to Reception. She got her first school report that I know Anna really struggled not to critique the critique.

"She definitely gifted and talented she uses nominalization for succinctness in her sentence structure, you don't even do that!"

Nom nom what?"

"Exactly, so instead of saying the big black dog you say Rottweiler!"

"So instead of saying "I'm exhausted because I now have to sleep on a sofa due toa 3 month old pushing me out of my own bed and having two European students living in the spare room, I could just say I'm a Dad?"

"Yeah but I think if you wanted to say "I might be tired but I actually have it much better than I realise" you might use the word Dad!"

4) Anna received what were Jack first brace of actual smiles. This I think is a fair reward for growing, carrying and pushing him out of her body.

5) After nearly 42 years of choosing the slap dash, online course, I learn it as I do it, approach to self development I chose to learn something the only way it really works. Slowly, methodically and one step at a time.
I subscribed to the Happy start up Company an organisation that supports people who want to"Create a life and business rich with purpose."

I also did my first proper (not on an end of course gig where you related to half of the audience) in a pub called the Marine Tavern in Kemptown Brighton.

I managed to get through my 8 minute set, get a few laughs. More importantly when my biggest fear was realised when the music failed and I messed up the end of set song nothing that bad happened and if anything the adlibbing I did to get through it got some of my biggest laughs.

To watch it click the link below MC Wrapper survives his first gig

Grace's Homemade joke of the week.

CLICK FOR OCTOPUS COMEDY

"Emphasis on the homemade!" I think my daughter's joke this week must have been heavily influenced by her class trip to The Brighton Sealife Centre. I suggested a few alternatives but she wanted to stay with her take on it.

"What knocks on your front door seven times?"

"An octopus picking it's nose."

"What knocks on yout front door six times?"

"An octopus picking it's nose and scratching it's bum."

"What knocks on you front door five times?"

"An octopus picking it's nose,scratching it's bum and sending a text."

Etc...........................................................................

MC Wrapper song efforts of the week.

I was quite proud or managing to shoe horn the phrase "In a dream from Charles du Gaulle" into this week's song.

Take care of your corner

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Bolsa de libros escolares

About 12 pieces of A4 paper generously used to create a recreation of her school book bag.

                                                                      21.4cm x 29.3cm

If you've enjoyed this blog, you might also like this lot below. It might help to pass the time if you find yourself in a lengthy queue, stuck on a train, stuck in a lift, or stuck in an anxious moment.

To watch short Vlogs about parenting and how to do squats in the kitchen click the link below

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XBq5onzZtj0

To watch some silly songs about life and the trials of parenting from a MC (Middle Class) Wrapper click this link below

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCw9kvycTNN_S2TTfAoIWTkg

Or just come and say hello or Twitter or Facebook

https://twitter.com/DadMissions2018

Grace beats Usain Bolt's imaginary 20 yard bean bag dash

Grace's 1st sports day

I had a late start on Monday so got to watch the only sporting event of the week that could possibly overshadow England's World Cup semi final with Croatia, my Daughter's first ever sports day.

We arrived at the school gates 2 minutes before it was due to start and found there was a Primary school lock down which was freaking out a handful of Mum's, including my wife.

My wife who had approximately 17 minutes sleep the night before was in need of a strong coffee a lie down in a dark room with wine and an Enya soundtrack.

"It definitely said an 9.30am start? I showed you the text didn't I? Look!" 

(holds her phone up to show anyone within at least a mile radius the text message)


It's 9.28am! That's two whole minutes before the advertised start time! Do they have any idea the effort it took us to be in the rarest of situations  for a parent, actually being early for something?! Why have they locked the gates we can't get in. We can't get in! We can't get in!!!!!

Look! I saw a child throwing a bean bag and another one over there fall over a plastic hurdle! It's started! It's bloody started and we're missing it!!!! Grace will be looking for us, she'll be so hurt and won't be able to jump nearly as well in her sack race. The day's ruined! She'll remember this betrayal for the rest of her life. It's about creating strong positive core memories of childhood and we've ruined this one for her. Whoever locked this gate has basically robbed our daughter of her childhood! Why did they say it was a 9.30am start and then start it before 9.30am what's the feffing point? You set your alarm early, you don't worry about  shaving your legs, you forfeit breakfast, you leave the house early, you find somewhere close to park, you arrives on time and then they trick you with a early start!!!! I bet they've planned this on purpose and all because I didn't put myself forward to help with the reception's harvest festival disco!!!

(The deputy head teacher then jogs over from the school side of the gate clutching a bean bag in one hand and a handful of keys in the other)

"Sorry,sorry,really sorry ladies! I needed the loo so had to close the gates."

"Don't worry I need the loo all the time."

(Anna waits until she is out of earshot)

"Arghh she needed the loo bless her, you men don't have any idea how difficult it is to be a woman needing the loo!"

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I can only imagine this painting is a 5 year old's understanding of the act of childbirth.

My wife, bottom left, looks more like she's holding our son prisoner that giving birth to him. The primary midwife, top right ,is inexplicably sat on a blue heart which I can only assume represents the bond between all mothers? Either that or that Grace thinks she probably spent the whole time sat on the only blue bean bag in the room asking me if I know of anywhere in Hove that does a reliable MOT.

The trainee midwife, top left, is trying to wrestle her gloves on before our son follows the water out. I am clearly represented, next to the green heart, to be half my wife's size. This can only mean that our daughter views me as the corporal to my general wife! I think I need to start being more assertive with that remote control and refusing to entertain the idea of getting the outside walls repointed.

21.4cm x 29.3cm

Felt pens and rain water on the white A4 back of the Utility Warehouse bill for June 2018

William's first hour in Jellyfish class

William would be starting reception in September.On Wednesday Anna took him to spend an hour in Jellyfish class. I tried to support him emotionally beforehand.

"Have a lovely time and listen to the teacher!"
"Yes Daddy!"
"I love you."
"......I know."


Middle Class wrapper Track 3. 

Someone I used to work with shouted hello as I was padlocking the West gates on Tuesday. I am banking this as support and a clear sign that I should keep writing, producing and posting daft songs about the frustrations of parenting.

Track 3:Stinky chocolate Duck

Here's above is a song that I wrote following a request from a friend to write a song about the trials of bath time. It was produced and posted to the utube channel as well as to a room full of comics on a 5 week advanced stand up comedy course.

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medusas en un sombrero al revés

21.0cm X 29.7cm

Felt pens and rain water on a Brighton and Hove football Club notepad .

If you've enjoyed this blog, you might also like this lot below. It might help to pass the time if you find yourself in a lengthy queue, stuck on a train, stuck in a lift, or stuck in an anxious moment.

To watch short Vlogs about parenting and how to do squats in the kitchen click the link below

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XBq5onzZtj0

To watch some silly songs about life and the trials of parenting from a MC (Middle Class) Wrapper click this link below

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCw9kvycTNN_S2TTfAoIWTkg

Or just come and say hello or Twitter or Facebook

https://twitter.com/DadMissions2018

Velkommen til søvnløs i saltdean

If I had to pick one image that I think best described how we all slept this week it would be this one.

A yawning infant held by a weathered looking parent with a thousand yard stare.

On Wednesday we would be welcoming a 17 year old Danish student and a 17 year old Spanish student for three weeks. I wasn't exactly sure what energy stores we would be tapping into to do this. As well as finding the energy to remember not to wander around in my wife's dressing gown or ask GCSE oral exam questions at meals.

"Do you have any brothers and sisters?"

"What do you enjoy doing in your spare time?"

"Can you please tell me the way to the train station."

"Does Denmark hate us for the whole Brexit hornets nest and does Spain still hold a grudge about the Armada?"

We would also need to dig extra deep to clean the house, do a shop that catered for us and appealed to Danish and Spanish teenagers. We would also need to transform the spare room  from Daddy's 6 month sleep bunker to The Saltdean Backpackers.

Monday's pre work chores for Dad included tripling the number of mirrors in the spare bedroom and putting in one more bulb so they could do their make up properly, apparently! 

On Tuesday night England beat Colombia in the World Cup to progress to the quarter finals. I watched it while I was waiting for Rocky 2 to download. I also did my best to explain to my six week old son Jack, who was a milky burp away from sleep the reasons why these men kept falling over imaginary feet to roll around as if they had been shot by a sniper.

"Don't be fooled life's pretty tough for these guys Jack. The money in football isn't what it used to be. An international player these day will only get paid the equivalent of 40 maybe 50 dialysis machines a month! A few years ago they would have easily got that amount plus a two form entry primary school's annual heating budget! Yeah the salaries for rolling around and placing your feet in imaginary bear traps really isn't what it used to be!"

Jack seemed to be laughing at me but it could have been wind.

Sarky comments aside it was good to see an England team that really played like one.It was also great to see Gareth Southgate putting some demons to rest. I joined in on a twitter feed affectionately saying Gareth Southgate we think you're a legend and have served your time as an obvious question for a Pub quiz sport rounds.

It was entitled....

#Garethsouthgatewould ....

#Garethsouthgatewould never get grumpy about the seagulls ripping open his bin bags every week to advertise to the street his obvious addictions to cheese Mcoys. He would instead get up before dawn on bin day to set up a smorgasboard of tasty seagull treats that were not only low in fat but at least 3 of their five a day.

#Garethsouthgatewould never abuse Brighton council parking restrictions. If he realised he had parked a few minutes over the warden leaving for the day he would work out the balance and put it in an envelope along with a card and deliver it with a "taste the difference" bottle of Malbec to the council offices. 

On Saturday I was working on Brighton Seafront during the England v Sweden World Cup quarter final. England won the game 2-0 which meant as well as helping the lifeguards keep an eye on children left to the perils of the shoreline by chargrilled parents we got to listen to a drunken loop of "It's coming home, it's coming home Football's coming home!"

"Yes there is a 25% chance that following a very long time of hoping Football may actually come home, it does. If it does could you possibly ask it not to do the following.

1) Wee against our lifeguard containers.
2) Stand in the shoreline with your pants and trousers round your ankles like a toddler and wee in the sea.
3) Throw stones at each other
4) Throw stones at the seagulls
5) Throw stones.
6) Ask if my job is like being in Baywatch
7) Ask if you can wee in my quad helmet.
8) Ask if you can use our printer to print out your ticket as a souvenir
9) Ask for a go on our rescue board
10) Ask if you can use one of our rescue tubes as a beach cushion
11) Ask if we can text your mates
12) Ask us if there are any sharks in the sea
13) Ask for a go on our quad bike
14) Be an instigator in a 50 man brawl.
15) Ask anyone to come and have a go if you think you're hard enough. Judging from your now see through pants that you went swimming in, you're not.
16) Stealing a knife designed to fillet a large fish from a seafood restaurant and have to be wrestled to the ground by your fractionally less drunk mates before you do something even more stupid that fighting in your pants on the seafront.
127 Come back to Brighton Beach if you can't behave like a big boy."

In depressingly predictable style just as we were due to lock up and escape the thousand or so drunk, half naked, lobsters chanting about a team they weren't in, returning home, a 60 man brawl erupted right outside the Seafront office.
This meant having to hold up in the office for 20 minutes while I waited for the Police to arrive and radio the remaining seafront officers and lifeguards to please stay where they were. Ringing 999 to hear that I was in a queue was a concerning first. I hope it was the result of several people also witnessing this.

Being held in a queue to cancel your washing machine insurance is annoying but tolerable. Being on hold to the emergency services because you think someone is being kicked to death I don't think is okay? I am sure we can spend less on non emergency items. Not spending the funds required to deal with the growing number of numb nuts who want to smash stuff up and hurt people seems a bit dangerous.

The man who was punched, kicked and stamped on while curled up on the floor and the other who was knocked clean out from a punch to the back of the head were dragged away, still breathing but barely conscious I imagine by friends not wanting to spend the night in John Street Police station.

On a lighter note I felt I inched closer to World domination this week through the channel of very silly songs. On Monday and Tuesday I wrote and I want to say produced, but that does sounds like a very extravagant way to describe balancing my wife's iPhone on a bottle of sun cream by the sink, balancing my phone on the kettle as it plays a garage band loop, wash up and read some lyrics I had stuck to the splash back.

Anyway for anyone who is interested here it is.

MC Wrapper Track 1

On Thursday having done as many unprompted chores possible in an attempt to take the edge of sliding out of the house after bath time and just before the emotional bedtime story bartering I went off to advanced comedy class number 4 of 5.

I am loving the course and it's breathed a whole new energy of disillusionment into me that I might actually have what it takes to make people smile. Not only smile but that I could evolve onto making people laugh and maybe even one day reach the holy grail of making someone do a primal laugh/ snort. 

On the beginners course there were ten of us, none who had ever done a gig most who had been bought the course by desperate partners in my case thinking I can't give him coffee, socks and a Lynx gift pack for Christmas three years in a row, can I?

All of the 8 people of this "advanced course" had been gigging comics for a year to several years. Every week the two hour class was spilt into 1 hour writing and feedback and an hour of performance. It was humbling but also a really good way of showing that the jokes about Postman Pat may be best in your mind.
The fear of having to do a stand up gig on the second week helped me to create MC Wrapper. MC for middle class.

A wrapper whose angsts amongst others, include Waitrose running out of Hallouomi and Lewes district council refusing to take the polystyrene he put in the recycling bin.

As per usual I learn't from daughter that if you're ,meant to do something it should seem effortless. Click below to see her homemade joke of the week.

Homemade comedy

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"Se ve como un caballo!"

21.0cm X 29.7cm

Water colour paints and cheerio infused milk on the back of amended contents and car insurance document from NFU Mutual .

If you've enjoyed this blog, you might also like this. It might help to pass the time if you find yourself in a lengthy queue, stuck on a train, stuck in a lift, or like me, stuck in an anxious moment.

http://capitalsfromasouthcoast.blogspot.co.uk

To watch some utube Tips about ....

My Dadmission to raise the World's collective morale through the power of Planking please check out or even better subscribe to my Utube channel.

James Macdonald's Dadmissions

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XBq5onzZtj0

Or just come and say hello or Twitter or Facebook

https://twitter.com/DadMissions2018

"They don't make strawberry milkshake seeds!"

"They don't make strawberry milkshake seeds!"
"Well who does then?"
"No one! Strawberry milkshake is made up of lots ingredients none of which are grown in someone's garden!"

On Sunday I walked my inconsolable 3 year old out of B and Q. I hoped that an actual strawberry milkshake that probably wasn't grown in someone's garden would help ease the crushing disappointment.

Luckily it did. He then got cross at my not reversing the car back 30 yards so he could say a better goodbye to the McDonald's employee. A harassed looking teenager who was trying to put together another happy meal box.

On Monday at 02:11 I had to give myself a bleery eyed, naked, bathroom pep talk. I can't let the fact that my children clearly don't have the fine motor skills required to take off loo roll in the designed way cause me to want to go into another room and scream into a pillow.

The birth of our new son brought with it lots of feelings and lots of things. It brought joy. It brought relief. It brought a sterilizer. It brought that sick feeling half way through the morning where you're so tired you're not sure if you'd legally be allowed to drive.

It took me back to November 2012 and August 2014. A time when as well as having a generous quota of toys, kinder egg pods and noise, we also had nappies and muslin cloths. For survival purposes it also reintroduced  a new sleep system for the grown ups.

Anna was being woken up by our lovely but greedy guts son every 90 to 120 minutes from 9pm onwards. His favourite trick being to power on through a 6 oz bottle ignoring any invitations to slow down or burp, choosing instead to throw up over my wife's back or the sofa seat covers that were being washed hourly.

This lack of sleep alone would be enough to break even the hardest of special force agents. Having to also lock horns with someone very particular about pig tails and someone who gets liquids mixed up could become quite dangerous.

"Daddy I have got really sweaty pyjama's!"

"Okay. You say sweat but are you sure and I'm not judging, you're three and it's been a big change for us all especially probably you, are you sure it not might be wee?"

"No it's sweat, can you change me?"

Our routine was that Anna would do the last dusk ish feed at 8.30am ish and I would take over the first half of the night shift. I would sit and try and write a literary triumph as my son squeaked, flinched and farted in his Moses basket at my feet.

The system actually worked quite well. I got some time to do some writing or film myself being a "Middle Class Wrapper" (click link) without winding up my wife.

"Where are you! I need your help getting their shoes on!"

"Okay just coming, I'm err just stripping the bed covers!"

"Again? You'd better not be making press up clips in the spare room!"

I would also get to give him a bottle and a cuddle at around midnight. Not to mention some Father and son advice. I tried to explain that often when it comes to understanding the opposite sex it's what isn't said that you need to focus on. That and the difference between a flat head and a Philips. 

"Yeah so one has a flat end like a ducks beak and it used for small letterbox style holes and the other one looks a bit like a star and was invented by a guy called Philips."

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"Ataque de las habas de riñón que vuelan."

21.0cm X 29.7cm

Crayon on crumpled white A4 paper that I think has quotes for double glazing and half a shopping list on the other side, just in case you were wondering.

If you've enjoyed this blog, you might also like this. It might help to pass the time if you find yourself in a lengthy queue, stuck on a train, stuck in a lift, or like me, stuck in an anxious moment.

http://capitalsfromasouthcoast.blogspot.co.uk

To watch some utube Tips about ....

My Dadmission to raise the World's collective morale through the power of Planking please check out or even better subscribe to my Utube channel.

James Macdonald's Dadmissions

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XBq5onzZtj0

Or just come and say hello or Twitter or Facebook

https://twitter.com/DadMissions2018