Sunday was Father's day. As a special treat my wife attempted to return to what is conventionally expected of a person at 5.30am, asleep. In contrast I tried to entertain three small, I'm afraid to say unreasonable people, knocking every one of my sensible breakfast offers.
"Cereal?"
"No thank you. Can I share some more of your chocolates?"
"No you've had one. What about some toast?
"No I think I'd really prefer a chocolate please Daddy."
"Darling I'd prefer not to be arguing about chocolate balls and 6am."
"Daddy, I'll tell Mummy you're not being very kind!"
Once the debating had subsided I got a 5 minute loo pass to have a practice before the main event of wiping two of the 3 backsides I helped create. "Pooh gate" effectively dealt with and it was back to finding new places to hide chocolate,watch Madagascar, and stop a fight about who got to make daddy the next cup of imaginary tea.
My Father's day extravganza evolved into a trip to Drusilla's Zoo. As I poured myself into the middle back car seat. A space that can only have been designed for a Supermodel sitting sideways I felt that a day out when the people in charge haven't had one full night's sleep between them could be a mistake. At least if you're playing in the garden and one of you falls asleep in the vegetable patch you know William will wake you up with some "Weil's disease infused" liquid from the buckets that froze last November and thawed this March.
As with most family trips once we had consumed a coffee where the bottom inch of each cup was pure sugar sediment things started to feel more manageable.
When I got to make to make a "My wife has that exact shade of lipstick" joke as we walked past the Monkey enclosure I started to feel giddy with my own amusement.
Monday night was brutal. I thought I'd smashed it when I took a, drunk with milk, new born and his clean bum through at midnight to be with his mum.
Wife awarded at least 3.5 hours sleep,so far? Check
Baby full, clean, winded and warm? Check
Childish song about my sex life after 3 children written for Thursday's stand up Gig at the Windmill? Check
I even took the bin out to get some bonus points.
It was all academic as William woke us at 4am then spent the next 2 hours charging around the house being a dinosaur until me my wife and daughter accepted defeat and got up.
The walk to school was eventful and I am going to have to invest some time explaining to William that not everyone who has a big stomach is about to have a baby.
The man in the post office queue looked genuinely hurt. I tried to turn it around but the damage looked to have been done.
Here are the lyrics to my first ever performance of a song about how the sexual landscape can change once you're married with children. It's entitled "Thursday night love" it's for anyone who wasn't one of the 7 people (8 including the compere 9 including the barman) watching my eagerly awaited by non one ever, stand up come back gig in The Windmill,Brighton.
It’s Thursday night, the kids are asleep
Into the kitchen he starts
to creep,
She looks at him in his pants
of silk,
That reminds her, they need to get milk
Life as a parent is
hard as rocks,
What is success? kids
in matching socks
Think you’re Joey
she thinks you’re Ross
With the chest of a pigeon and breath of an albatross,
What is their secret it must be Thursday night
love
(instrumental break chance for me to cough and suck the pesto out of my teeth)
Thursday night love can
feel out of reach,
Can you remind me to
get loo roll and bleach
Do you remember the
fun in the dark
Long before wet wipes
and Paradise park
She's flossed her teeth his body is yearning,
She’s doing pack
lunches fish fingers are burning?
Driving her wild do I
still have the tricks,
He worked out the car
seat, trapped his skin in some iso fix
4 years of marriage
they still fit like a glove,
What is their secret must be Thursday night love
(Instrumental break and chance for couple on the front table to start texting and the table next to them to have a loud conversation about Bitcoin)
Some minutes of love, six maybe seven
Their personal best 7.40
in Devon,
Three minutes in, he's kissing her ear,
He’s lying on
something Buzz bloody light year
Can he get her out of
her smalls,
A bottle of Malbec
and lindt chocolate balls
You’re still a bit
floppy, baby just grab it,
They’ve felt more
aroused watching Peter Rabbit,
A New born, a toddler
and one in reception,
Forget the pill
that’s a great contraception,
To stay committed don't need guidance above,
Just sweaty advice from doctor love
On Friday William who was either complaining about tummy ache in an attempt to get mini cheddars or because he genuinely had a tummy ache caused my wife to pull out the reserve sick bowls.
On Friday William who was either complaining about tummy ache in an attempt to get mini cheddars or because he genuinely had a tummy ache caused my wife to pull out the reserve sick bowls.
Galleria Proxima Generacion
21.0cm X 29.7cm
Crayon on white A4 paper
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As a fellow parent I loved reading this. So hilariously true!
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