"They don't make strawberry milkshake seeds!"

"They don't make strawberry milkshake seeds!"
"Well who does then?"
"No one! Strawberry milkshake is made up of lots ingredients none of which are grown in someone's garden!"

On Sunday I walked my inconsolable 3 year old out of B and Q. I hoped that an actual strawberry milkshake that probably wasn't grown in someone's garden would help ease the crushing disappointment.

Luckily it did. He then got cross at my not reversing the car back 30 yards so he could say a better goodbye to the McDonald's employee. A harassed looking teenager who was trying to put together another happy meal box.

On Monday at 02:11 I had to give myself a bleery eyed, naked, bathroom pep talk. I can't let the fact that my children clearly don't have the fine motor skills required to take off loo roll in the designed way cause me to want to go into another room and scream into a pillow.

The birth of our new son brought with it lots of feelings and lots of things. It brought joy. It brought relief. It brought a sterilizer. It brought that sick feeling half way through the morning where you're so tired you're not sure if you'd legally be allowed to drive.

It took me back to November 2012 and August 2014. A time when as well as having a generous quota of toys, kinder egg pods and noise, we also had nappies and muslin cloths. For survival purposes it also reintroduced  a new sleep system for the grown ups.

Anna was being woken up by our lovely but greedy guts son every 90 to 120 minutes from 9pm onwards. His favourite trick being to power on through a 6 oz bottle ignoring any invitations to slow down or burp, choosing instead to throw up over my wife's back or the sofa seat covers that were being washed hourly.

This lack of sleep alone would be enough to break even the hardest of special force agents. Having to also lock horns with someone very particular about pig tails and someone who gets liquids mixed up could become quite dangerous.

"Daddy I have got really sweaty pyjama's!"

"Okay. You say sweat but are you sure and I'm not judging, you're three and it's been a big change for us all especially probably you, are you sure it not might be wee?"

"No it's sweat, can you change me?"

Our routine was that Anna would do the last dusk ish feed at 8.30am ish and I would take over the first half of the night shift. I would sit and try and write a literary triumph as my son squeaked, flinched and farted in his Moses basket at my feet.

The system actually worked quite well. I got some time to do some writing or film myself being a "Middle Class Wrapper" (click link) without winding up my wife.

"Where are you! I need your help getting their shoes on!"

"Okay just coming, I'm err just stripping the bed covers!"

"Again? You'd better not be making press up clips in the spare room!"

I would also get to give him a bottle and a cuddle at around midnight. Not to mention some Father and son advice. I tried to explain that often when it comes to understanding the opposite sex it's what isn't said that you need to focus on. That and the difference between a flat head and a Philips. 

"Yeah so one has a flat end like a ducks beak and it used for small letterbox style holes and the other one looks a bit like a star and was invented by a guy called Philips."

Galleria Proxima Generacion

"Ataque de las habas de riñón que vuelan."

21.0cm X 29.7cm

Crayon on crumpled white A4 paper that I think has quotes for double glazing and half a shopping list on the other side, just in case you were wondering.

If you've enjoyed this blog, you might also like this. It might help to pass the time if you find yourself in a lengthy queue, stuck on a train, stuck in a lift, or like me, stuck in an anxious moment.

http://capitalsfromasouthcoast.blogspot.co.uk

To watch some utube Tips about ....

My Dadmission to raise the World's collective morale through the power of Planking please check out or even better subscribe to my Utube channel.

James Macdonald's Dadmissions

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XBq5onzZtj0

Or just come and say hello or Twitter or Facebook

https://twitter.com/DadMissions2018

Does anyone have a lipstick?

 Sunday was Father's day. As a special treat my wife attempted to return to what is conventionally expected of a person at 5.30am, asleep. In contrast I tried to entertain three small, I'm afraid to say unreasonable people, knocking every one of my sensible breakfast offers.

"Cereal?"
"No thank you. Can I share some more of your chocolates?"
"No you've had one. What about some toast?
"No I think I'd really prefer a chocolate please Daddy."
"Darling I'd prefer not to be arguing about chocolate balls and 6am."
"Daddy, I'll tell Mummy you're not being very kind!"

Once the debating had subsided I got a 5 minute loo pass to have a practice before the main event of wiping two of the 3 backsides I helped create. "Pooh gate" effectively dealt with and it was back to finding new places to hide chocolate,watch Madagascar, and stop a fight about who got to make daddy the next cup of imaginary tea.

My Father's day extravganza evolved into a trip to Drusilla's Zoo. As I poured myself into the middle back car seat. A space that can only have been designed for a Supermodel sitting sideways I felt that a day out when the people in charge haven't had one full night's sleep between them could be a mistake. At least if you're playing in the garden and one of you falls asleep in the vegetable patch you know William will wake you up with some "Weil's disease infused" liquid from the buckets that froze last November and thawed this March.

As with most family trips once we had consumed a coffee where the bottom inch of each cup was pure sugar sediment things started to feel more manageable.

When I got to make to make a "My wife has that exact shade of lipstick" joke as we walked past the Monkey enclosure I started to feel giddy with my own amusement.

Monday night was brutal. I thought I'd smashed it when I took a, drunk with milk,  new born and his clean bum through at midnight to be with his mum.

Wife awarded at least 3.5 hours sleep,so far? Check

Baby full, clean, winded and warm? Check

Childish song about my sex life after 3 children written for Thursday's stand up Gig at the Windmill? Check

I even took the bin out to get some bonus points.

It was all academic as William woke us at 4am then spent the next 2 hours charging around the house being a dinosaur until me my wife and daughter accepted defeat and got up.

The walk to school was eventful and I am going to have to invest some time explaining to William that not everyone who has a big stomach is about to have a baby.

The man in the post office queue looked genuinely hurt. I tried to turn it around but the damage looked to have been done.

Here are the lyrics to my first ever performance of a song about how the sexual landscape can change once you're married with children. It's entitled "Thursday night love" it's for anyone who wasn't one of the 7 people (8 including the compere 9 including the barman) watching my eagerly awaited by non one ever, stand up come back gig in The Windmill,Brighton.

Thursday Night Love Track one!

It’s Thursday night, the kids are asleep

Into the kitchen he starts to creep,

She looks at him in his pants of silk,

That reminds her, they need to get milk

Life as a parent is hard as rocks,

What is success? kids in matching socks

Think you’re Joey she thinks you’re Ross

With the chest of a pigeon and breath of an albatross,

4 years of marriage they still fit like a glove,

What is their secret it must be Thursday night love

(instrumental break chance for me to cough and suck the pesto out of my teeth)

Thursday night love can feel out of reach,

Can you remind me to get loo roll and bleach

Do you remember the fun in the dark

Long before wet wipes and Paradise park

She's flossed her teeth his body is yearning,

She’s doing pack lunches fish fingers are burning?

Driving her wild do I still have the tricks,

He worked out the car seat, trapped his skin in some iso fix

4 years of marriage they still fit like a glove,

What is their secret must be Thursday night love

(Instrumental break and chance for couple on the front table to start texting and the table next to them to have a loud conversation about Bitcoin)

Some minutes of love, six maybe seven

Their personal best 7.40 in Devon,

Three minutes in, he's  kissing her ear,

He’s lying on something Buzz bloody light year

Can he get her out of her smalls,

A bottle of Malbec and lindt chocolate balls

You’re still a bit floppy, baby just grab it,

They’ve felt more aroused watching Peter Rabbit,

A New born, a toddler and one in reception,

Forget the pill that’s a great contraception,

To stay committed don't need guidance above,

Just sweaty advice from doctor love

On Friday William who was either complaining about tummy ache in an attempt to get mini cheddars or because he genuinely had a tummy ache caused my wife to pull out the reserve sick bowls.

Galleria Proxima Generacion

21.0cm X 29.7cm

Crayon on white A4 paper

If you've enjoyed this blog, you might also like this. It might help to pass the time if you find yourself in a lengthy queue, stuck on a train, stuck in a lift, or like me, stuck in an anxious moment.

http://capitalsfromasouthcoast.blogspot.co.uk

To watch some utube Tips about ....

My Dadmission to raise the World's collective morale through the power of Planking please check out or even better subscribe to my Utube channel.

James Macdonald's Dadmissions

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XBq5onzZtj0

Or just come and say hello or Twitter or Facebook

https://twitter.com/DadMissions2018

"Jack master flash Sportivo" settles in.

"Same bedtime as his kids Athletico" managed to get himself to week 1 of a “Advanced comedy course” on Thursday night

(This definition of "advanced" meaning you must have previously attended the 10 week beginners course and have gags slightly more sophisticated than orange peel fangs)

This was another opportunity to realise that I'm probably just Dad and mates in the pub funny not "people have paid for this" funny. This realisation could be hammered home for 5 consecutive Thursday's before a climatic dying on your arse in front of an audience who now  have slightly higher expectations.
Within 29 minutes of the first class starting we were told we would be performing our first gig this time next week!
 My first, last and only stand up experience was 8.5 minutes 4 years ago. This comeback gig, this challenging second album would have to be worked on vigorously this week. The main problem is, I'm not really sure anything that funny has happened to me since May 2014.

Is trapping a finger in an iso-fix car seat funny?  Are fart and incompetent parent jokes still funny? Mmm maybe. Are puns and Dad jokes still allowed? Do I now have to check what pronouns the audience want me to address them with and transpose my set accordingly?

The World seems a lot easier to offend now that it did in 2014. I'd better get writing some top quality fart jokes and make myself some orange peel fangs double quick.

"I've got several problems I'm presently working on but the strangest one is that I see and put the letter F in front of other words I read. It's got me thrown out of lots of places not to mention the Brighton School of performing Arts."

Team photo of the "Advanced "Apparently" comedy course Summer class of 2018. Don't be fooled by the cavalier tongue sticking out at the back, there's genuine fear in those eyes!

"Asleep within seconds Town" need helping with her homework on Tuesday morning before school.

Okay so I’ve cut out the words NO-LIVE-MEN-THE-ON-MOON and you need to rearrange them so they make sense.”

“Okay Daddy.”
“Darling “Moon men live on the no” doesn’t make sense.”
“It does Daddy. I'll explain. The men who used to live on the moon and were therefore referred to as, Moon Men have relocated to the planet No.”
“Right.”

"Fidgety Legs United" needed his hand holding to “stop the bad breams” on Monday night. When he stubbed his toe on the trampoline on Tuesday. While he had the squits on Wednesday and when I had to remove an imaginary “Stomach bug" from his pull ups “Thanks Mummy!” on Thursday morning. 

The 3 week old "Jack master flash Sportivo" was doing a solid job, literally at times, of finding his role in the madness. When he poohed on the just cleaned sofa cushions I agreed to keep it from "Tired and Emotional Athletic". In that he’s 21 days old I felt I probably needed to take some responsibility.


                                            Galleria Proxima Generacion

21.0cm X 29.7cm

Water colour paint on white A4 paper

If you've enjoyed this blog, you might also like this. It might help to pass the time if you find yourself in a lengthy queue, stuck on a train, stuck in a lift, or like me, stuck in an anxious moment.

http://capitalsfromasouthcoast.blogspot.co.uk

To watch some utube Tips about ....

My Dadmission to raise the World's collective morale through the power of Planking please check out or even better subscribe to my Utube channel.

James Macdonald's Dadmissions

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XBq5onzZtj0

Or just come and say hello or Twitter or Facebook

https://twitter.com/DadMissions2018

Operation Pooh in Play Park

Monday's day off provided an opportunity to test the car's ability to transport 5. "Same time as his children Athletico" now,"Poured into a child's seat Town" realised that although it makes you feel slightly weaker breathing using one lung is still effective.

The trip to the seafront park that "Poured into a child's seat Town" is contractually obliged to check for syringes and human waste was surprisingly calm.

As with every trip to a park "Poured into a child's seat Town" found a way to model the importance of supporting your fellow man.Or in this case, your fellow harassed Mum. With no thought for his own safety he stepped upped to stop children walking into the smelly offering she was frantically retrieving  in the middle of a still active water feature.

This kindness was returned minutes later when she directed a distraught "Fidgety Legs United to our new position of a bench with slightly less offensive graffiti.

Once we'd coated our clothes in ice cream, Legionella infused water and unidentified dark stains we drove home to prepare. "Tired and Emotional Athletic's parents were driving down from Derby to meet our new edition, "Jack Master flash Sportivo" They were delivering several bin bags of hand me downs and hopefully not reminding us that our drive still needs weeding.

This meant that I got to do some HIH.High Intensity hovering is a bit like normal hovering just done while also clenching your stomach muscles and listening to a Tony Robbins podcast.

This also meant spending half of the weekly shop budget on posh hand soap and diffuser oil.

"Have we got any tea bags?"

"No, just wave a cinnamon and artichoke stick under your nose."

It also meant hovering behind a five seater sofa in case people in their 70's wanted to quickly check while we were in another room finding matching socks.

It also required turning shampoo bottles to face the same way, folding the end of the loo rolls to form a downward arrow, using the hoover attachment to remove hair from behind the loo,dressing wriggly children into itchy Christmas trousers, pushing all damp clothes from the line under beds and strategically placing furniture to hide curled laminate.

All of this to create a 24 hour illusion that we're more Royal family than Royle family. 

Galleria Proxima Generacion

Montaña del arco iris

21.0cm X 29.7cm

Water colour paint on white A4 paper

If you've enjoyed this blog, you might also like this. It might help to pass the time if you find yourself in a lengthy queue, stuck on a train, stuck in a lift, or like me, stuck in an anxious moment.

http://capitalsfromasouthcoast.blogspot.co.uk

To watch some utube Tips about ....

My Dadmission to raise the World's collective morale through the power of Planking please check out or even better subscribe to my Utube channel.

James Macdonald's Dadmissions

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XBq5onzZtj0

Or just come and say hello or Twitter or Facebook

https://twitter.com/DadMissions2018